I have a friend who complains all the time. If you try to say, "Isn't this sunshine great?" she'll still come up with something negative to say about it. All she ever wants to talk about is herself and her problems. Is there anything I can do--or do I just have to put up with it?

Gennifer,

If this is a close friend, it might be a good idea to bring up your observations. In a kind way, you can tell her that you've noticed that she focuses on her problems to the exclusion of all else. Let her know that you love and accept her however she chooses to live, but also let her know if this behavior happens to drain your energy or causes you feel more negative.

Negativity is a loop that all of us can get mentally stuck in, and sometimes we don't realize that we are stuck. We just keep acting out in the way that feels emotionally appropriate in the moment. Sometimes it takes a close friend to tell us, not that we are wrong or defective, but that there is a better way to look at things, a way that won't make us feel so bad. Our friends tell us this for our own sake, not theirs. They want to see us happy and enjoying life.

I think, if you are coming from this position (rather than an impulse to place judgment), your good intentions will find their mark, and your friend will have some nourishing food for thought. She may not turn into Polly Positive overnight, but, rest assured, no one wants to stay wallowing in negativity. It's just the best way some of us know how to cope with certain situations. It often relates to the way we were raised, but that doesn't mean it can't be overcome. Negativity or positivity is a choice available to us in every moment. In the next moment, we always get another chance to make a better choice.

Dan Paul Roberts
Wellness Advisor
The 123 Feel Better Company

I have a friend with the same problem and all I tell her is to pray about it. I have a "special needs" child with 6 disabilities, and tell her that the only thing that gets me through each day is a prayer in the morning for patience and a prayer at night for thanks for the patience - that's what gets me through each day.

Hi..if you go to the library, take a look at what is called the DSM-IV Revised. Take a look at the personality disorders...

I remember reading a book by Caroline Myss years ago that spoke to this beautifully. she talked about an old Navajo Indian tribe ritual. The trible would allow any member of the tribe to enter into a circle and speak their gripe or complaint to the entire tribe. One member could speak their complaint up to three times. If the member tried to complain yet again about the same thing the entire tribe would turn their backs to that person, signifying that they were no longer willing to fuel the fire of that person's complaint.

Maybe you would like to share this with your friend. Tell her/him that you love her/him too much to support them in getting lost in their complaint. Good friends don't fuel the fire of their friends complaints anyway. Ask her, the next time she complains, to speak to her commitments. ask her, "Well, what are you committed to doing about it now?"

That ought to get the ball rolling. You could also educate her on the physical effects of complaining. Complaining breeds stress, stress breeds illness. Tell her you respect and honor her too much to support her in creating stress and illness

Diana