I have a history of taking care of people and trying to please them as a means of saying "Don't ever leave me!!" It's way less of an issue today, but sometimes I still feel that people pleasing switch being flipped on to 'make things run smoother' or whatever.

Where is it that one draws the line between being a martyr with a pension for people pleasing and between helping others/spending time with them, etc?

When you do take care of people is it because you really want to or is it because you get something out of it? Like do you get some sort of payoff for being a martyr? Do you get something from pleasing others? Those were really the first thoughts that came to mind.

Other than a feeling of comfort stemming from the fact that it makes them less likely to leave me, there's really not much I get out of it. If anything, I usually end up extending more of myself that I really can afford.

Hey, Sawcy. I have a long history of doing the same thing in relationships. In fact, it's only been in the last few years that I've even noticed just how much of a problem people-pleasing behavior was causing in my life. In the past I've let school, work and relationships suffer to constantly take care of certain people in my life for fear that they would leave me. I certainly understand where you're coming from.

One of my coworkers, Dan Paul, once gave me some of the best advice on people pleasing. I don't even think this advice was meant to get me beyond my people-pleasing behavior, but it has helped immensely. He said, "When you do what you love to do, you meet people you love and who will love you. When you're where you want to be, the right people for you will be there, too!" What does this have to do with people-pleasing?

You expressed in your post that you people-please to keep the people with whom you have relationships from leaving you. I'm assuming this means you go places you don't want to go (like the movies when you'd rather stay home or on errands when you'd rather clean your house), do things you don't want to do (like spend time with someone when you'd rather be alone), and even say things you don't mean in order to make those around you happy. The quickest way to reverse this trend isn't to leave everyone or refuse to do anything for anybody. The key is to refocus your energies and take a look at your priorities.

For example, I used to have a bad habit of leaving work early to spend time with my boyfriend. I justified it by saying that we had different work schedules and, if I didn't spend time with him when he was free, I'd never see him. This ended up causing me problems at work that I couldn't afford. While making time for my boyfriend was important, work was also important, and I needed to find a way of balancing the two. So, I made a commitment to work. I committed myself to working the hours I was called on to work and not taking off early if there were tasks unfinished. I also talked to my boyfriend. We set up a "date night" to allow time together without interfering with our work schedules.

Another good rule of thumb is the "for fun and for free" rule. If I am going to do something for someone, I have to ask myself, "Am I doing this for fun and for free?" That means that I do things for others only when I'm not secretly harboring an expectation of something else in return. When I focus on the joy of giving, I don't pull the martyr game. When I'm focusing on what I'll get in return for doing something, I just get upset in the end. So, ask yourself: "Am I doing this for fun and for free?"

Hope some of this helps!
Nan Little
123 Feel Better Wellness Advisor