This is my first post and I was wondering if anyone else out there has been through something like this: I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar and until then I thought I just had ADHD. There have been terrible decision I made based on my mood swings that got me on probation. Just being on probation wrecks my entire sense of who I am (basically I am not a bad person, but feel like a complete loser that cannot/or doesn't deserve to have the freedoms others have: travel, etc.)

I've been struggling with this heavy guilt about the stupid things I have done in the past, but want to move forward. I don't get suicidal, but when it feels so hopeless I can't stand myself at all....it seems that I give in to temptaions and had started smoking marijuana to calm me down in emergencies.

2 months ago my "emergency treatment" showed up in a urinanalysis and I am now in a fragile situation with the Texas criminal justice system. recently Harris county has been investigated for its treatment of mentally ill prisoners and the state run rehabs are overloaded causing many people to wait in county jail for up to 9 months before getting treatment, which makes it even harder for someone to want to fight their disorders (AND PICK UP NEW ONES).

Some even end up with worse charges than they would ever have had, if they could get their medication and real substance abuse treatment.

I want to be assessed by an impartial medical facility to get a real picture of my problem, instead of a one size fits all approach that will cause me to lose my job, home and everything I have struggled for so far in my life....I fear that if I were locked up with people who don't want help for their problems, I may change for the worse.

If anyone can direct me to an advocate, hospital or someone who can help me...it would be a lifesaver.