I know is long but can somebody pls read it and give me advice. This is something I would never tell anyone face to face.
Hello everyone. What I'm about to say it's been kept as a secret. I've told no one and I think that's what's killing me. I'm 20 years old. When I was about 5 years old I was molested by my own grandfather. My grandparents would come home every year. They stay over for one month or two. One day my grandfather asked my mother if I could come w/ him on a trip. She, of course, said yes. He took me to a lake and I had fun for the first couple of hours. Before we went back home he started touching my genitals. I kind of run away but he grabbed me. He kept on doing it and I told him to stop. I didn't know why he did it; whether it was something normal or not; I didn't know if I should tell my parents or not.
I said nothing b/c he threatened me. Then it wasn't just playing w/ my genitals; he started masturbating me. The first time I felt this weird sensation; it was something I couldn't explain. I used to love him but at that moment I didn't know what I felt toward him. I wanted to tell someone but I was afraid to be judged. My ignorance and innocence stopped me from telling someone. My father raised me the old-fashioned way so he was very strict and I was kind of afraid of him. I didn't go to my mother b/c I knew she wouldn't believe me.
One day I was left alone w/ him and he wanted to have intercourse w/ me. He was trying when I felt something hot coming down my knees; it was blood. He looked at it and stopped. Then I realized that I hated him. Every time they came home I'd misbehave so they'd leave sooner. Sometimes I accomplished my goal. One day I noticed that my ant (she was 12 and I was 8) had an unusual feeling toward me. I took advantage of that to get back at my grandfather. Yes I had sex with her couple of times.
Because of these events in my life I feel like I have no feelings toward anything or anyone. To me everything is normal. I don't feel that joy I felt once when I went on vacation or when I was doing what I liked the most. Today, if I travel to a different state; it feels to me like I'm around the house. What I liked doing today, is just something of the past. My niece died and I wanted to cry so badly but I couldn't. She died and although she lived with us, I don't miss her; it feels to me like someone who I didn't know died.
When I was 18 I wanted to go to my grandfather's house and confront him. I was going to go in November and he died in October. So he died and he took his secrets to his grave. My self-esteem is low. I have no friends. I'm shy and timid. I like to spend time alone. Also I worry too much about everything. I'm just 20 but I feel like I'm 40. I don't believe in myself. Sometimes when I worry too much about something I feel that my testicles hurt a lot. I don't know why. I want to go to a doctor but I live in a different country I have no insurance and I'm looking for a job. I need help. what can I do?
Full Version: Can somebody help?
As a complete stranger - the best and only advice I can give is to turn to God the father. Pray for him to put people in your path that are good for you and can bring you complete resolve. I too had my grandfather violate me when I was an older child. It was very difficult not to tell, because everyone adored him. He too died with our secret. To this day I have never revealed this to my family. What I did was take a course called "Landmark Education". It was a 2 day class in Chicago with over 175 people in the class. I was equiped with some awesome life tools to help me understand who I was and where I was in life and recognize the things that stopped me in life. This gave me an awareness I didnt positively identify before and tools to get clear from the things that had me thinking narrowmindedly. I am now able to see life alot more clearly and recogize reality. It is the one most awesome thing I did for myself to become a better person to myself and for others. I am sure they have a website. You might check that out too. God bless you in your quest.
QUOTE(Charllee @ Jan 22 2008, 03:16 PM) 
I know is long but can somebody pls read it and give me advice. This is something I would never tell anyone face to face.
Hello everyone. What I'm about to say it's been kept as a secret. I've told no one and I think that's what's killing me. I'm 20 years old. When I was about 5 years old I was molested by my own grandfather. My grandparents would come home every year. They stay over for one month or two. One day my grandfather asked my mother if I could come w/ him on a trip. She, of course, said yes. He took me to a lake and I had fun for the first couple of hours. Before we went back home he started touching my genitals. I kind of run away but he grabbed me. He kept on doing it and I told him to stop. I didn't know why he did it; whether it was something normal or not; I didn't know if I should tell my parents or not.
I said nothing b/c he threatened me. Then it wasn't just playing w/ my genitals; he started masturbating me. The first time I felt this weird sensation; it was something I couldn't explain. I used to love him but at that moment I didn't know what I felt toward him. I wanted to tell someone but I was afraid to be judged. My ignorance and innocence stopped me from telling someone. My father raised me the old-fashioned way so he was very strict and I was kind of afraid of him. I didn't go to my mother b/c I knew she wouldn't believe me.
One day I was left alone w/ him and he wanted to have intercourse w/ me. He was trying when I felt something hot coming down my knees; it was blood. He looked at it and stopped. Then I realized that I hated him. Every time they came home I'd misbehave so they'd leave sooner. Sometimes I accomplished my goal. One day I noticed that my ant (she was 12 and I was 8) had an unusual feeling toward me. I took advantage of that to get back at my grandfather. Yes I had sex with her couple of times.
Because of these events in my life I feel like I have no feelings toward anything or anyone. To me everything is normal. I don't feel that joy I felt once when I went on vacation or when I was doing what I liked the most. Today, if I travel to a different state; it feels to me like I'm around the house. What I liked doing today, is just something of the past. My niece died and I wanted to cry so badly but I couldn't. She died and although she lived with us, I don't miss her; it feels to me like someone who I didn't know died.
When I was 18 I wanted to go to my grandfather's house and confront him. I was going to go in November and he died in October. So he died and he took his secrets to his grave. My self-esteem is low. I have no friends. I'm shy and timid. I like to spend time alone. Also I worry too much about everything. I'm just 20 but I feel like I'm 40. I don't believe in myself. Sometimes when I worry too much about something I feel that my testicles hurt a lot. I don't know why. I want to go to a doctor but I live in a different country I have no insurance and I'm looking for a job. I need help. what can I do?
Hello everyone. What I'm about to say it's been kept as a secret. I've told no one and I think that's what's killing me. I'm 20 years old. When I was about 5 years old I was molested by my own grandfather. My grandparents would come home every year. They stay over for one month or two. One day my grandfather asked my mother if I could come w/ him on a trip. She, of course, said yes. He took me to a lake and I had fun for the first couple of hours. Before we went back home he started touching my genitals. I kind of run away but he grabbed me. He kept on doing it and I told him to stop. I didn't know why he did it; whether it was something normal or not; I didn't know if I should tell my parents or not.
I said nothing b/c he threatened me. Then it wasn't just playing w/ my genitals; he started masturbating me. The first time I felt this weird sensation; it was something I couldn't explain. I used to love him but at that moment I didn't know what I felt toward him. I wanted to tell someone but I was afraid to be judged. My ignorance and innocence stopped me from telling someone. My father raised me the old-fashioned way so he was very strict and I was kind of afraid of him. I didn't go to my mother b/c I knew she wouldn't believe me.
One day I was left alone w/ him and he wanted to have intercourse w/ me. He was trying when I felt something hot coming down my knees; it was blood. He looked at it and stopped. Then I realized that I hated him. Every time they came home I'd misbehave so they'd leave sooner. Sometimes I accomplished my goal. One day I noticed that my ant (she was 12 and I was 8) had an unusual feeling toward me. I took advantage of that to get back at my grandfather. Yes I had sex with her couple of times.
Because of these events in my life I feel like I have no feelings toward anything or anyone. To me everything is normal. I don't feel that joy I felt once when I went on vacation or when I was doing what I liked the most. Today, if I travel to a different state; it feels to me like I'm around the house. What I liked doing today, is just something of the past. My niece died and I wanted to cry so badly but I couldn't. She died and although she lived with us, I don't miss her; it feels to me like someone who I didn't know died.
When I was 18 I wanted to go to my grandfather's house and confront him. I was going to go in November and he died in October. So he died and he took his secrets to his grave. My self-esteem is low. I have no friends. I'm shy and timid. I like to spend time alone. Also I worry too much about everything. I'm just 20 but I feel like I'm 40. I don't believe in myself. Sometimes when I worry too much about something I feel that my testicles hurt a lot. I don't know why. I want to go to a doctor but I live in a different country I have no insurance and I'm looking for a job. I need help. what can I do?
No matter what anyone in this entire world has done to make you feel like you don't belong you are here in this world for a reason and the only person that matters is you. You must turn to Our Heavenly Father and ask him what your purpose in life is and guess what? He will always and forever make you realize that you are special and no one can ever hurt you as long as you keep him close and He will lead you to your mission in this life. Just believe in yourself and you will make friends and one more thing if you accomplish a good deed once a day no matter what it is you will feel on top of the world. Good Luck!
((((((Charlee)))))))
I was 9; it was a friend of my dads. When it happened my mom was out of town and my dad was passed-out drunk.
I ended up telling my mom about it; I don't remember how long it took me to do that, (I'm 48 now.) but it was a few weeks. Aside from telling the cops, I never had any therapy as a kid, which messed me up - big time.
Low self-image - yup.
Feeling numb - yup.
There are places that have sliding fee scales for people without health insurance. You need to get help.
scm
I was 9; it was a friend of my dads. When it happened my mom was out of town and my dad was passed-out drunk.
I ended up telling my mom about it; I don't remember how long it took me to do that, (I'm 48 now.) but it was a few weeks. Aside from telling the cops, I never had any therapy as a kid, which messed me up - big time.
Low self-image - yup.
Feeling numb - yup.
There are places that have sliding fee scales for people without health insurance. You need to get help.
scm
CAll Someone, anyone! Help lines, family doctor, a trusted pastor(if you have one)! Yes, praying can help , and I'm NOT knocking it but you need some serious help and as some "Pary to God" people don't mention, I think somewhere there is a saying, "god helps those who help themselves". And you can't deal on this all on you own! Just remember YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME for actions of other. You were a CHILD! Please don't wait. Look in the phone book under Mental Health or even contact a victim's service in your are. If you're in college sometimes their advisors can help put you in touch with someone. They can head you in the reight direction to get help. Pleaase, don't keep this to yourself any longer. Best of Luck to you! You will be in my thoughts and prayers!
When I was a littleboy about four, I was taken advantage of by my cousin. He was five years older then me. It happened from the time I was four till the time I was nine and hehit puburty. I have never said a thing to anyone, not even my thereapist. The onlything I can do is pray and remember it wasn't my fualt. My advise is to go see a counicler or therapist.
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