I suffer from an extremely feckless depression that I have been fighting back for 2 years in vain. It is an awfully difficult task to describe it, but I'll try my best below.

First of all, my big problem is that I can't show my inner feeling to anyone, I stone myself in front of people who seek to know me better, until they loose interest. I'm scared they will have a laugh at what I feel, and that would paralyze me because the way I feel is too holy for me. Then I kill myself after the person has left, I feel awfully lonely and it hurts me to see that people think I'm alright, just a bit shy. But I'm REALLY shy, I can't even force myself to open up to anyone, so everyone looks at me and thinks that I'm just boring, non-exciting and plain person, while my insides could explode with emotions I can't show. So at the moment I'm living in a world were I'm torturing myself, with very little to enjoy on this planet. And the solution just happens to be the problem, I would need to open up to start gain what I've lost, my self-esteem, confidence, happiness, love... everything. And that is the very one thing I can't do. So What CAN I do?!?

And then there is the problem that my mood is so feckless, such a big wave momement that I doubt that there are more than a few who experience it so strong. There are those moments when I feel that nothing could stop me, that I could conquer the world. And it confused me like a strong drug, that there is no problem, I'm fine and happy. But then the next moment my own thinking shoots me down so deep into a dark pit, that I sometimes have rather considered myself dead. And for God's sake, I'm only 16. Im going to end up killing myself if this goes on for twice as long as its already done. And the worst thing is that I am completely aware of all of this, and yet I can't but watch my own struggle.

So I beg for someone to tell me how to drive this off for good!

Hello, I'm trully sorry your feeling this way. My name is Vickey, and found your posting looking around for information about rage. My daughter has a lot of it and causes a lot of problems for herself and our family. I felt I wated to say somthing to you. I'm sure nothing I could say could fix your problems, but just by you knowing you have one is good. Many people feel exactly like you do. Your age may have alot to do with it. I can't talk anymore right now, but if you like maybe we could later. Here is my email vikcey@phltrucklines.com. Things will get better if you let them, trust somone if it dosent work out try again.

Take a chance.
It won't be the end of the world.

Sincerly
Vickey

Perhaps some behavioural therapy? XP I know that sounds as fun as shooting yourself in the foot, but it helps on getting more social and would simultaneously get you out and open more. Just try talking to people who you DO trust and CAN open up to and let them help you out. I know that my friends have helped me out tons. If you'd like, hit me up on MSN messenger animearson@yahoo.com that's also my e-mail. Tons of people out here care about ya!