Okay.

I guess I only joined just to ask this question; could I just be making this depression all up in order to create drama in my life where there is none? I don't know anymore. I can't tell the difference between fantasy and reality much anymore.

Little background history of me:
When I was in middleschool I started having classic symptoms of manic depression. I'd burst into laughter at inappropriate places over nothing, and be crying hours later over nothing as well. Mom sent me to my first therapist when I was 12, to help "boost my self esteem", since I got teased a lot for being heavy.
By the time I was in high school, I was seeing another therapist for depression and was introduced to my first antidepressants when I was 16.
By 17 the manic part had all but gone away. It seemed to be nothing but a depression. All the time. We found out by trial and error that the only medicine that worked was Effexor. I was on that steadily for a year and a half.
When I was 19 I moved out and started working on getting myself off of medication.
By the time I was 22, I had completely stopped therapy and medication, since I was convinced that I needed neither anymore. I also got married that year.
Since the marriage last year, things have been pretty rocky. I'll have periods of complete apathy where I don't do anything. I don't shower, I don't clean, I don't draw or play video games, I don't even play online games. I don't talk on the phone to my friends... I just sit and eat all day and watch tv. These come around every few weeks for a few days at a time.
I've started isolating myself for everyone around me except my husband. I find that I lash out at him in a strange anger over nothing sometimes. I've failed a few of my college classes, just because I've decided to stop going all together.

But a thought hangs in my head the whole time; what if this is just all in my head? What if I just created this? See, I didn't have a very eventful life. My life was pampered and spoiled and pretty nice. I didn't deal with any trauma as a child, but every one of my friends did. My best friend particularly.

There are days when I feel something is very, very wrong and I should go on meds again. But then again there are days when I feel so ashamed of myself, and I feel like I should just stop being a pussy and get over it already, you know? My behavior is hurting my husband; he doesn't know what to do to help me (although he helps me more than he knows).

I don't know. I cut when I was younger, and I can admit now that that was an obvious ploy for attention. I wasted a lot of my friends and family's time and emotions doing that. So who's to say I'm not just crying for attention now like the spoiled little girl that I am?

I've never been on any prescribed meds or actually seen a therapist or anything like that, and I don't really have any advice for you...but I wanted to respond because I feel the same way you do. I can't tell if what I'm feeling is real or if I'm making it all up. And I guess I just wanted you to know that you're not the only one with those weird thoughts going through your head. Maybe it will help you to know you're not just making it all up...I don't know...but thank you for posting this because it's made me feel a little better knowing I may not be totally crazy.

I don't believe that anyone wants to sabotage their lives, their happiness, their friends and family. Unless you are a selfish self-centered/absorbed individual who doesn't show much consideration for anyone else. I couldn't say that the reasons of why you are acting out in the way that you are acting is a mechanism for attention. You say that you really do not have much of a reason to have these issues in your mind, and that may be true, but we sometimes repress the saddening and traumatic experiences of our lives so as to forget. But I find that unless confronted it will always be in the back of your mind. We also naively pass off previous experiences that may have actually had a huge affect on ones own psyche, just at the time one does not rationalize to be what it actually is, damaging. If you problems began as a child, your most fundamental and formative years of what you learn and what you develop into as you mature, you can bet that all those issues you had are coming with you. These are situations and circumstances that plague everyone in this world. However, as we are all different so is our mind, some of us can cope and some of us cant. Eventually everyone needs help, so don't feel down on yourself for being the way you are, I've done this my entire life and it isn't until now that I am getting help and that I recognize that my process of life in my mind is different then others and I need some support so as to get better. Get treatment, speak to a psychiatrist, psychologist, find a hobby, keep productive, have a uniform and structured daily routine, think productive and meet new people, and experience new things. It's not about being crazy, I just find it hard to control the level of my emotions, my response to how much to worry, and the fear of fear itself. We developed differently, but we are not weak, because I can assure you that in some people with issues such as ours, where we worry and care so much that it depresses us, worries us, scares us, lies the will to help so many. I find that as we cope with our problems we become stronger and stronger, teaching ourselves the realities of life as we further understand and except them. Eventually every one has to deal with depression and what comes with it, those people can benefit from our own experiences. Stay positive, busy and be happy. Peace -Abe